The following is a transcript of a conversation that took place between me and my husband last weekend.

[WARNING: CREATES DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGERY OF POULTRY. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY SENSITIVE] 

H:[standing in front of kitchen sink, which is running] Honey!  Do we have a hair dryer?!

Me: I have a hair dryer.  You only have that disgusting wooden brush that was in the box of junk from when you were in high school that your mother tricked me into taking.  And the vented round brush you stole from me five years ago but keep insisting is yours, even though you have no idea what a vented round brush is for, much less where to purchase one.

H: [giving me exasperated look] Will you just bring me the hair dryer, please?  I need it for something.

Me: Fine. 

[Go into bathroom and retrieve hair dryer while trying very hard not to think about what H could possibly “need” it for.  Return to kitchen and offer hair dryer to H.]

H: No, I don’t want it.  I have to go back outside.  I need you to help me.

Me: Help you do what?

H: [pulls hands out from under running water and shoves something at me] I need you to blow dry this chicken.

Me: What? [Glance down at hands.  Realize they suddenly contain sickly-looking yellow chick. Horrified comprehension dawns.]  Oh, no.  No, way. [trying to shove sickly yellow chick back at him] I’m NOT blow drying a chicken.

H: You have to.  If you don’t, he’ll die.

Me: Since when do baby chicks require styling with heat appliances for survival?  If Charles Darwin were alive and standing here, he’d be freaking out right now.

H: He was stuck to the bottom of the incubator, so I had to give him a bath.  But now his body temperature is too low.

Me: What is this weird slimy stuff on his stomach?

H: [making dismissive gesture with hand] Oh, you know . . .  his organs and stuff.

Me: His “organs and stuff”?!  What?!  Are you saying his organs are on the outside of his body?!

H: Yes.  Look, are you going to dry him or not?

Me: If his organs are outside his body, doesn’t that mean he’s, uh, you know . . . [voice turns to whisper so sickly chick can’t hear] going to die?

H: Yeah, he’ll be lucky to last the hour.

Me: Riiiiiiight. [long pause while I consider the benefits of divorce]  So explain to me then what, exactly, would be the purpose of blow drying him?  Isn’t that, like, extreme measures or something?  Wouldn’t it be more humane to let him enjoy his last few minutes in peace?

H: Probably so, but I accidentally put some of the other chicks too close to the heat lamp earlier, so I just really can’t have any more poultry lives on my conscience right now.

Me: [flicking on hair dryer] I’m so calling PETA when I get done with this. 

 New fun stuff with Kate Perry, author of  Marked by Passion, the first book in the awesome Guardians of Destiny series. Check out the (yummy)cover and blurb below.

 Rules for the (Very) Reluctant Guardian of the Scroll

One: Don’t lose the artifact you’ve inherited from your ancestors—no matter how much it starts messing up your life.

Two: Do learn how to control its powers. (And, yes, that means putting up with uber-complicated Guardian lessons from your father’s meddling ghost.)

Three: Don’t trust anyone. Especially Rhys, the mysterious bad boy who’s always one step ahead of you… and irresistible as sin.

Four: Do anything to keep the scroll from landing in the wrong hands—and destroying the world. Even if that brings on a heartbreaking betrayal, an evil you never saw coming, and a choice you may not live to regret.

And now I ask Kate the hard-hitting questions (watch out Barbara Walters)

JL: Have you always wanted to be a writer?
KP: No, I always wanted to be a gypsy. I was going to have my own cute little purple and red wagon with a bull named Philippe pulling it. But when I realized there’d be no plumbing, I thought I might prefer to be an ambassador to a foreign country. Get paid to schmooze and party in fancy clothes? Heck yeah. But now I get paid to hang out in cafés in my pajamas, which is almost just as cool.

JL: Is it true that you can kill a man with your pinkie finger?
KP: Yeah, but it’s much more satisfying to use a skyscraper heel.

JL:Are you familiar with the recent zombie vs. unicorn debate? If so, who do you side with–zombies or unicorns?
KP: I try to keep up on current events, so, yeah, I’ve been tracking the debate. However, personally, I find it difficult to take sides. Can’t we all just get along?

But it seems to me that zombies have gotten a bad rep. Just because they have rotting teeth and poor hygiene doesn’t make them second class citizens.

JL: How many random men have asked you out in the past week?
KP:Was I supposed to keep track?

JL:Cupcake or pie?
KP:Both. Please. Unless it’s a cream pie. Gag. Fruit pies are the only way to go.

JL:All-time best James Bond?
KP:Sean Connery. Duh. Though Daniel Craig is a very close second.

JL:Are you and “I-kissed-a-girl” Katy Perry really twins who were separated at birth?
KP:I’ve wondered if we’re sisters too. Did you know we even have the same bra size? I’m not joking. I’m tempted to ask my mom if there was a mix up at the hospital or if I’m adopted. Which would make a lot of sense, actually, considering how different I am from my “family.”

Click here to learn more about Kate and here to read an exercept of Marked!