It’s a new year!! I’m not going to go so far as to say I’ve made a resolution to be a better blogger, but I have written it down on my “To Do” list. To Do” list sounds much less intimidating than “New Year’s resolution” list, don’t you think? Resolution just sounds so . . . icky. And hard. Like Geometry. Which I made a D in, if anybody was wondering. (But I still managed to graduate from college and law school, so HA Mr. Shedd! You were wrong! I DIDN’T need to know whether point b was an interior angle of AOC or LMNOP or whatever the heck those letters were you were always talking about.)

So, in the interest of being a better blogger, I thought it might be fun to start doing a weekly (monthly?) roundup of random, interesting news articles. Naturally, by “interesting” I mean scandalous/pointless/gossipy stuff, preferably involving celebrities.

For example, has everybody heard the big news? Kate Gosselin got new hair.

Or rather, as the LA times blog put it (much more succintly) “The Hedgehog is Dead.” LOL. Except . . . I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I almost think she looked better with the hedgehog. That was her thing, you know? I mean, besides the eight kids, bitchy vibe, & smarmy ex-husband. The hedgehog was her trademark. Now she’s just another chick with blond extensions. I didn’t even recognize her until I read the headline. Although she does look less like a scary psycho soccer mom who is just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can stab you with one of her Pampered Chef knives, which is probably a good thing if she’s really “making room for romance.” I think she and Marilyn Manson would make a good match.

China Builds Women Only Parking Lot

(From BBC) A shopping centre in China’s Hebei province has built a car park with wider spaces that it says is designed especially to suit women drivers. The women-only car park in Shijiazhuang city is also painted in pink and light purple to appeal to female tastes. The parking bays are one metre (3ft) wider than normal spaces . . .The Wanxiang-Tiancheng shopping centre had also “installed signs and security monitoring equipment that corresponded more to women’s needs” . . . The Global Times website says female parking attendants have been trained to help guide women drivers into their parking spaces. The bays also have extra lighting.

Some People may consider this concept sexist, but personally I think it’s THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER. Giant pink and purple parking spaces just for girls? Sign me up. Who cares if it seems chauvanistic? Not me. I freely admit I can’t park. Other people freely admit it too, as evidenced by the  concerned motorist who left a helpful note under my windshield at Olive Garden that said: Learn how to park you stupid idiot!! (prompting my then-4 year old daughter to exclaim,”Wow, Mommy! I didn’t know you were a stupid idiot!”)

Ditto for the female parking attendants and extra security lights. I’m all over it. How could you not be? You never hear about a guy getting kidnapped from the mall parking lot. It’s always some poor woman who gets snatched outside the food court and stuffed in a trunk, never to be seen again. This idea isn’t sexist; it’s just good sense.

In fact, I like the whole “women-only” thing so much, I think they should extend it to other areas of life. Like grocery stores. Specifically, the jars they sell at grocery stores. You know, the ones that an enormous robot apparently welds shut with super-glue and a flamethrower back at the factory? They usually hold pickles or pasta sauce or the strawberry jam I would really like to put on my toast except I don’t keep enough dynamite around the house to get the lid off?

It would be so great if they could give some of those bright pink and purple easy twist-off lids and put them in a special “Women Only” aisle. I thought getting married would solve this problem, but it turns out my husband isn’t keen on staying home 24/7 in case I need a jar opened. He also doesn’t like being awakened at 2 in the morning to unscrew the lid from the Peter Pan jar either. I’m not sure why. So having special “Girls Only” jars would help him too. It’s a win-win situation.

Parents Arrested for Tattooing Children

(FromChattanooga Times Free Press) Two Chattooga County parents have been released on bond after charges that they tattooed six children with a homemade contraption consisting of electrical cord, spliced wiring and a guitar string for a needle . . . Both Ms. Marsh and Mr. Bartels were tattooed with the device and, on the same day, six of their children — a 10-year-old, two 11-year-olds, a 12-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old — also were tattooed, the sheriff said . . . the only person not tattooed was a 7-year-old boy. . . They said he was too young,” the sheriff said. . . All six children were tattooed with the same needle, in the same way and on the same place on their bodies.

“Electrical cord, spliced wiring, and a GUITAR STRING string for a needle??!!” Are you serious?? These people are actually allowed to go about in the world unchaperoned? Because I’m pretty sure you have to have the IQ of a goldfish to do something that spectacularly dumb. And reckless. It’s bad enough they used a guitar string as a needle but using the same guitar string on ALL SIX KIDS? Have these people never heard of germs? It’s 2010, not the middle ages. I thought everyone over the age of 5 understood the basic concept of how diseases are spread. Even if they’d used a brand new, hygenic tattoo machine with disposable needles the whole thing would still be so, so wrong, but man . . . why not just skip the tattoo part and drink each other’s blood, or go down to the local hospital and lick some bedpans? Geesh.

And that’s all for now. More ranting next week.

xoxo
Julie

 Dear Santa,

My name is Julie. I am thirty-four 19 years  old. My favorite subject is TV. I have at least not killed or maimed anyone been a very good girl this year. I know a lot of people are out of work right now and that our greedy, materialistic American ways are partly to blame, so this year I am only asking for two presents.

1. A cupcake car

 2. ICON A5 His and Hers Sports Aircraft

 If your elves are too busy to make them, you can buy them at Neiman Marcus. Here are the details.

Customized Cupcake Car 

Put on your matching hat, slip under the muffin top of your Cupcake Car, and let the world figure itself out for awhile. Get (or give) the sheer, joyful chaos of a gift that is mind-blowing, triple-dog-dare, double-infinity forever cool. Make the kids or grandkids literally squeal with joy. Bring it to work and buzz the breakroom. Crash parades! Putter about the ‘hood. Ever had a crowd of kids chasing after you just for the crazy gleeful heck of it? (No worries, the top speed is a comfy-safe 7 mph) What’s it made of? A 24-volt electric motor, a heavy-duty battery, sheet metal, wire, fabric, wood…and mad genius. Launched at Burning ManSM as a cooperative art car project, the Cupcake Car sprang from the fevered mind of Bay Area artist Lisa Pongrace and her less-rules-more-laughs posse of artists and techno geeks. Yours will be tricked out with your favorite topping, so start thinking flavors.
$25,000.00

His & Hers 

May we officially present our exclusive 2009 His & Hers gift package: the game-changing ICON A5 sports aircraft. It’s from a world-class team of engineers and designers who helped create the groundbreaking Virgin® Global Flyer and X Prize®-winning SpaceShipOne® (among other things). It’s been rigorously tested, meets or exceeds all FAA standards, production is about to begin, and the waiting list is stacking way up. Here are just ten of it’s “WOW!” factors: 1) An amphibious hull and landing gear to take off and land just as easily on water as on land. 2) The ability to run on automotive gasoline or aviation fuel. 3) A sexy, streamlined two-seat interior with intuitive controls, including 4) FAA-approved flight instrumentation and 5) a state-of-the-art GPS system, so you don’t get lost. 6) A range of 345 land miles or 300 nautical miles. 7) A next-generation lightweight carbon fiber frame. 8) Spy-movie wings that rotate up and fold back out of the way. 9) Removable side windows to dangle your arms out into the wind and sun. 10) A custom, high-tech trailer for fast and easy loading and unloading from land or water. Your package includes one ICON A5 sport aircraft with NM exclusive exterior and interior luxury upgrades, a custom trailer, and full FAA-certified Sport Pilot License training for two. Load “your” song onto an MP3 player and slip it into the dashboard dock and there it is, the perfect way to float through the clouds, just the two of you.

$250,000.00

Thank you so much!

Love,

Julie

 When Bethany–self-proclaimed geek girl–makes the varsity cheerleading squad, she realizes that there’s one thing worse than blending in with the lockers: getting noticed. She always felt comfortable as part of the nerd herd, but being a member of the most scrutinized group in her school is weighing her down like a ton of textbooks.

Even her Varsity Cheerleading Guide can’t answer the really tough questions, like:

• How do you maintain some semblance of dignity while wearing an insanely short skirt?
• What do you do when the head cheerleader spills her beer on you at your first in-crowd party?
• And how do you know if your crush likes you for your mind or your … pom-poms?

One thing’s for sure: It’s going to take more than brains for this girl genius to cheer her way to the top of the pyramid.

 Doesn’t this book sound awesome?! And because Charity and Darcy are really nice I’m super-important and have connections in high places, I was able to wrangle a fun interview with the authors, Charity and Darcy! 

1. Is there a difference between a geek and a nerd? And if so, can nerds also succeed at cheerleading?

Darcy: Did you intend for me to go all etymological on you? Yes? Oh goody!The term geek may come from the Scottish word geck, meaning fool, and was coined as a term describing sideshow entertainers who performed ridiculous feats (like biting the heads off of live chickens). It is unclear who was the actual fool in the scenario though – the biter or the guy who paid cash money to see this happen.An alternate explanation of the term compares it to the word gauche, which is French for left and has come to mean awkward.Nerd, on the other hand, is a mystery word. No one can agree on where it came from. Some say Dr. Seuss just made it up for his book If I Ran the Zoo. Others say it owes its birth to the Northern Electric Research and Development Laboratories in Canada. N.E.R.D. Labs, get it? Still others say its true origins come from a group of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute students who did a compare and contrast on student activities on their campus in the 1960s. Their research showed two primary preferences: Frat Boy Types, otherwise known as drunk(s), and their opposite, the ones who actually attended class and did their homework, henceforth classified as knurd(s). Haha, see? It’s drunk spelled backward.In conclusion, geeks are generally left-handed people who prefer fresh poultry and nerds soberly research fictional zoo animals (but leave their heads intact). I hope this clears up any confusion.

Now, for part two of your question, can nerds succeed at cheerleading? Yes.

Charity: You know, sometimes Darcy just leaves you speechless. This would be one of those times.
 

2. Maxi dress or mini?
Darcy: Have you seen my thighs? Maxi all the way.

Charity: I’m going with the mini because 1) no one can see your combat boots if you’re wearing a maxi dress, and 2) it’s really hard to do much of anything except float around and look ethereal in a maxi dress.
 

3. Now that you have written a Geek Girls Guide to Cheerleading, don’t you think it’s only fair that you should write a Cheerleaders Guide to Geekiness?

Darcy: I believe Charity’s working on that right now, or something similar.

Charity: I am working on something called Dating on the Dork Side. However, as a book–and social experiment–it’s still a work in progress.
 

4. “High School was the best 4 years of my life. I would go back and do it again in a heartbeat.” Please pick the letter that best describes your feelings about this statement.

a) Agree

b) Disagree

c) are you smoking crack?

Darcy: C. Definitely. I had a lot of fun in high school but I would never (I repeat, NEVER) want to go through it again.

Charity: What Darcy said.
 

5. Zombie vs. Geek girl–who is victorious?
Darcy: Geek girl. For sure. Zombies are a formidable foe and one has to admire their relentless pursuit of brains — but they tend to lack the critical math skills necessary to determine the slope of a staircase. Without this knowledge they are incapable of climbing to higher ground, allowing geek girls to easily outmaneuver the zombie-folk and rain down geek fury upon them.

Charity: Definitely geek girl. She’s bound to have friends well-entrenched in zombie lore and would therefore be able to devise both a tactical and strategic plan for survival. And it’s well known that zombies have zero knowledge of geek lore. According to Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, this is a win for the geek girls. 6. How do Geek girls feel about tiaras?D: Along with Aqua-Net and Duck tape, geek girls consider tiaras essential in the fight against zombies. Plus, they sparkle.C: Tiaras are also sharp; they make good weapons.
 

7. Name your favorite geek celebrity.
Darcy: That cute kid from Juno, Superbad and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist – Michael Cera. He’s funny and smart, and did I mention cute? He reminds me of all the best things about the boys I knew in high school.

Charity: I second the vote for Michael Cera. If you want old school geeky, I nominate Jeff Goldblum. Also, I feel compelled to report that the Geeky Dreamboats fan page on FaceBook has only 201 fans. This is a travesty. Log on and start clicking that Become a Fan button!
 

8. What’s next for you guys?

Darcy: World domination, or a cookout – whichever comes first.

Charity: All of the above, but while wearing a tiara, because they’re sparkly–and sharp.